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Engilsh jokes
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the
minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem,
my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion
to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones
nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones
again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions
that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
_______________________________________
Johnny was playing with his toy airplanes, pretending to be the pilot
and was making announcements. His mother walked in and heard Johnny
say, "Hey all you bastards on my plane! We've landed on the f*cking
runway so get the fuck off my fucking plane!" Johnny's mother was
appalled by such language and sent Johnny to his room for two hours.
When he came out and was allowed to play again, his mother heard
Johnny playing.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We hope you had a nice flight.
We're about to land."
Johnny's mother was glad he'd cleaned up his language.
Then Johnny said, "Oh yeah, and if anyone's pissed off about the two
hour delay, go see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Three men and their wives go in for a CIA spy recruitment meeting. The
instructor gives a gun to the first man and says go into the next room
and shoot your wife. The man goes into the room, and comes back a
minute later. He says "I'm sorry I just couldn't do it.", and hands
the gun back.
The instructor gives the gun to the second man, and gives him the same
instruction to shoot his wife. The man leaves and comes back 5 minutes
later, with the same response, "I couldn't do it"
Finally the instructor gives the gun to the third man, with the same
instructions. He goes into the other room and shuts the door. The
instructor instantly hears 5 bangs in rapid fire. Then 5 minutes and
the man is still in the room. He finally comes out and the instructor
asks, "What took you so long?", and the thrid man says, "Some asshole
filled the gun with blanks, so I had to strangle the bitch!"
_______________________________________
Two old women, Rachel & Gladys, were sitting on a park bench, and
talking about their love lives.
"sometimes, I strip down completely naked & put both feet behind my
head to get Roger 'In the mood' ", said rachel.
"That sounds like a great idea." so Gladys went home that night
determined.
When her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, Gladys
went to work. She stripped down & started to put her feet behind her
head. The first leg was rather difficult, since she was arthritic, but
she succeeded, and went to work on the 2nd foot. Now, this was a
little trickier, so Gladys rocked back to oput he foot behind her head.
When she got it, she rocked back a little too much & her bum was stuck
up in the air.
Her husband comes back into the room and says, "For Cristsakes,
Gladys...put your teeth in & brush your hair. You look like an asshole!"
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There was this pot-head walking down a road when a genie appeared in
front of him and said, "I'll grant you two wishes. What is your first
wish?" asked the genie. The pot-head replied, "I want a never ending
joint. The genie goes, "As you wish," and gave him the joint. The
pot-head took a long drag and said, "Cool. I want another one!"
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A blonde was in the kitchen trying to put together a puzzle. She was
getting really frustrated and decided to get her boyfriend out of work
and back home to help.
"It's supposed to be a chicken!" Cried the blonde
"Honey," said her boyrfriend "Stop being silly and put the Corn Flakes
back in the box..."
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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've
kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was
sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow
blonde?''
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right
tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy
on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from
the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The
voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you,
Lord?'' The voice answered,
''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
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A Jewish kid goes to his dad and asks for 20 bucks. Dad replies: "10
bucks?! what do you want 5 bucks for?"
A black guy and a Puerto Rican are in a car, who's driving?
The policeman.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans in Star Trek?
Because they ain't working in the future either.
What happens when you stick your hand into a bag of jellybeans?
The black one steals your Rolex
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The Chicken and The Egg are lying in bed. The Chicken is very happy
and is smoking a ciggarett while The Egg is pissed and mumbles to
herself..
"I guess we answered That Question"
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Sven & Ole from Sweden
Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a
brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked
"Lena gave it to me."
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?" "Vell, let
me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on County Road 6, in da
middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da voods. She parked,
got out of da car, trew off all her clothes and said 'Ole take vatever
you vant.'
"So I took da car."
"Ole, you're a smart man! Dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
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A man goes to his doctor. he says, "doc, i've got a 25 incher down
there. now, i know it's impressive, but all the ladies are scared to
death when they see it. what can u do" the doctor tells him that there
is supposedly a frog that lives in the local lake who, if u can get
him to say "no", it will make your member shorter by 5 inches. so the
man goes down to the lake, and thinks of a question that anybody would
say no to. finally, he simply decides to ask every frog if it is a
chihuaha. he makes sure no one's looking, because he feels like a
total idiot, but begins asking every frog he sees if it's a chihuaha.
finally, one of them answers, "no." he checks under his belt, and,
sure enuff, he's only equipped to 20 inches. he asks it again, and it
says "no, u idiot." he figures he'll ask it one more time, to be
normal. but this time the frog replies, "how many times do i havta
tell ya? no, No, NO!"
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman
in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you
who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, then the blonde
yells:
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fella on
your knee!"
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Two fat guys are sitting at a bar drinking. One guy finishes his bear,
slams his glass on the table, looks over at his freind and says "Your
round" His friend looks at the guy and says "Looks whos talkin you fat
bastard."
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Army Commander-Hey man,the army has bigger balls than the marines
Marine comander-Na man,the marines
got bigger balls.Watch this."Hey soilder.
Blow your brains out."
*Marine soilders picks up a gun and fires.*
Marine comander-That took balls man.
Army commander-Nah.That aint nothen.watch this."Soilder.Jump out the
airplane without a parachutte."
Army soilder-"Fuck you sir!"
Army commander-"Now that took balls"
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A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a
week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he
could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so
sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken
the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have
said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the
next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was
working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you
could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs
up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you
for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I.
Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought
Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it
with Ken."
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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit
my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
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Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His
mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says, "Mom, am I
more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his
mother tells him. So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny
asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What
kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to
know if you're more Jewish or black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait
till its dark and steal the fucker.
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His
friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
$10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief
pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It
will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the
drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the
following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a
rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better."
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
to talk up a storm. Upon the return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks
for the grub. yea God'
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
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A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.He
notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, 'Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?'
The other guy says, Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde
with the most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of
saying,I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' accidentally said, 'I'd
like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to
say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I
accidentally said, 'you've ruined my life you fat evil bitch!'
_______________________________________
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
_______________________________________
A man is having sex with his girfriend what she asks him "are you a
peodophile?" and he replys "My god thats a big word for an eight year
old."
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One day a teacher asked her class who was a Yankees fan and every one
put there hand up but this one little girl. The teacher asked her who
her favorite team was, and the little girl said the Red Sox. The
teacher asked why and the little girl said "my dad likes them and my
mom likes them so that's why i like them" and the teacher got very
angry. So the teacher asked, "if your dad was an idiot and your mom
was an idiot what would that make you....? the little girl replied "a
Yankees fan"
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Irish joke
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey,
I got this great Irish Joke...".
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before
you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Irish, both bouncers
are Irish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
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A man woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sat down and saw his clothing in
front of him, clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw
that it was in perfect order, spotless and clean. So was the rest of
the house.
He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table, which read:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love
you."
So he went to the kitchen and, sure enough, there was a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.
The man asked the son," What happened last night?"
His son replied, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirio!
us. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself
a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, the man asked, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replied, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married!'
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to
them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the
best piece of ass in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and
says, "I just did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the
far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mother was
squealing the whole time!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
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theres a fish in a river, and he sees a fly above the water. he thinks
'if only that fly would lower 3 inches, i could eat it' a bear sees
the fish and thinks 'if only that fly would lower 3 inches, the fish
would jump up to get it and then i could catch the fish' a hunter sees
the bear and thinks 'if only that fly would lower 3 inches, the fish
would jump up to get it, then the bear would go after the fish, and i
could shoot the bear' a mouse sees a piece of cheese in the hunters
pocket and thinks 'if only that fly would lower 3 inches, the fish
would just up to get it, then the bear would catch the fish, then the
hunter would shoot the bear, and i could sneak the piece of cheese out
of his pocket' a cat sees the mouse and thinks 'if only that fly would
lower 3 inches, then the fish would jump up to get it, teh bear would
catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and after the mouse
sneaks that piece of cheese out of the hunters pocket, i could catch
the mouse'. so the fly lowers 3 inches, the fish jumps up to get it,
the bear catches the fish, teh hunter shoots the bear, and the mouse
gets the cheese. but when the cat jumps for the mouse, she misses and
falls into the river. whats the moral of this story? -lower the fly 3
inches, the pussy gets wet
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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping
the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my
family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back
and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit"
said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A ilickalotapuss !
(zabawne dopiero kiedy sie to wlasciwie wymowi) :D
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One morning little jimmy and his younger brother johnny, were playing
with there trucks. Jimmy says to johnny "you know what johnny, i think
were old enough to start swearing." "Yeah", replied johnny. "come and
get some breakfast boys" their mother yells from down stairs. jimmy
says to johny "ok, ill go down stairs and start swearing, and you do
it after me." and johnny nods his head and says ok. Jimmy and johnny
sit down at the table when their mother asks them what they want for
breakfast? "ahh, you know what mum, i think i'll just have some fuckn'
coco-pops" says jimmy. BANG, johnny's mother smacked him so hard he
went flying off his chair, then he ran up to his room crying. "ok
johnny what do you want" asks the mother. "I don't know, but you can
bet your ass it won't be those fuckn' coco-pops"
_______________________________________
A taxi driver is takin a beautiful woman to the airport. Halfway
there, he gets a flat tyre. He stops to change it, but can't get the
wheel cover off. The woman sees him struggling and asks: "do you need
a screwdriver?" "sure" he replies, "but let me change the tyre first"!
_______________________________________
An english man, scots man and and irish man.
They are in the desert and there car breaks down so they walk, on the
1st day the english man dies so they burry him in a shallow grave so
the vultures wont peck out his eyes. So the next day the scots man
dies, and the irish man is kinda pissed off but still burrys him in a
shall grave. The next day the irsih man doesnt feel very well and he
thinks its time so he burrys himself in a shallow grave. then along
come an gay Arab, and all he can see is this huge red ass sticking out
of the ground and he so happy to see this ass sticking out of the
ground, so he starts doing it to this ass......then all of a sudden
you here "haha Fucking vultures you can peck all you want but you not
getting the eyes!"
_______________________________________
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to
her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't
have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my Mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next
room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and
close the door" the man said. She did. Now get on your knees." She
did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out
..."
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man
closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead." The blonde slowly
brought her mouth closer...and while holding it close to her lips
tentatively said...
"Hello, Mom can you hear me?"
_______________________________________
A little boy goes to his dad and asks,"What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now. "The father says, "Good, son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The
little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."
_______________________________________
A redhead walks into her daughter's room and finds an empty beer
bottle and said "I never knew my daughter drank!"
A brunette walks into her daughter's room and finds a cigarette
carton, and said "I never knew my daughter smoked!"
A blonde walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom, and said
"I never knew my daughter had a penis!"
_______________________________________
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the
windsheild?... His ass!
If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?
________________________________________________
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was
nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell
happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied
the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
________________________________________________
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he
kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a
cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest
suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.
So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the
men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"
All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen my cock?"
One nun and all the altar boys stood up.....
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