74 Ways To Be Annoying

  1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
  2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
  3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
  6. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  7. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  8. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  9. Sniffle incessantly.
  10. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  11. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
  12. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
  13. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
  14. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  15. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
  16. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  17. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  18. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
  19. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
  20. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  21. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
  22. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  23. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  24. Drum on every available surface.
  25. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  26. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
  27. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
  28. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
  29. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
  30. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  31. Honk and wave to strangers.
  32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
  33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  34. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
  35. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
  36. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  37. only type in lowercase.
  38. dont use any punctuation either
  39. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  40. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  41. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  42. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  43. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someones roadmaps.
  44. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  45. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  46. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  47. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  48. Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  49. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  50. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  51. Ask people what gender they are.
  52. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  53. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
  54. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  55. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  56. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..
  57. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
  58. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  59. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
  60. Wear a LOT of cologne.
  61. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
  62. Sing along at the opera.
  63. Mow your lawn with scissors.
  64. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
  65. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
  66. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  67. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
  68. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  69. Never make eye contact.
  70. Never break eye contact.
  71. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
  72. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
  73. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  74. Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
BONUS: Post this message to others' email accounts. Repeatedly. One item at a time.

Last update: 1999-08-15